Avalanche

I was sure someone's gonna bring up the thing about me being holier than thou. That's the thing, who am I to be holier than thou? But Suraya and Ratna (in her email) knew where I was coming from.

All I want is to practice Islam deeper, not to be an extremist. To each his own. My own decision is based on my own experiences and from being inspired by the things that I experience which will be 100% different from any other person in this world.

Everyone wants to get onto their own plane to their own destination. Sometimes the planes don't all leave from the same airport.

Like I said, I'm happy if Liana's happy and that includes the rest of my family too. I never mentioned about severing ties. I only said I wanted to move out. I really don't wanna deal with people at home after dealing with people at work. Home is for resting and laying back and recharging weak batteries and catching up on stuff.

Liana, Jelte and I are living in a one room, one hall apartment. I think after a while it gets a little cramped for each of us to do the things that we wanna do individually without stepping on each other's tails, accidentally or not.

Besides, this way, I will only be a disaster to myself as well as be miserable to no one else.

The fault is all mine.

I am the problem.

I don't even have to try.

I don't know but when I returned from doing the full shift at work just now, all I could think of was to go to sleep straight after shower and dinner and yet here I am at almost two on the laptop.

Earlier at the door, I noticed Lilies and Dick were also there. Later, Heidi appeared too. "How nice" I thought but I was really tired.

I could have sworn I said "Hello" first before I told everyone I was doing the full shift again the next day and I needed to sleep.

When I was in the shower, I heard Lilies, Dick and Heidi leaving. I thought OK. And that's it. Perhaps it's already late and they were leaving anyway when I got home. No other thoughts besides that.

And then later on Jelte approached and questioned me, in his own words "Why did you chase them away? You didn't even say hello. Liana actually said something about that" while I was having my late dinner.

I was like "Whaaaat?"

What? What now? Why?

This is amazing. Not another... Oh no. I just kept on shaking my head in disbelief. I couldn't believe this conversation was even happening.

And then to force a reaction, he added, "You have nothing to say huh?"

Oh my God, please spare me the agony.

My God, why would I wanna chase my own family away? Is it wrong to feel less-than-chatty after 16 hours at work? I couldn't believe by declaring that I was doing the full shift again the next day and needing to sleep, I was chasing my siblings away.

At most, all I meant was "you guys go do whatever, don't mind me". Perhaps I should have said exactly that to make things clearer from the beginning.

My God, why do you test me so much?

There's only so much I can take. Masha Allah!

Jelte said he only asked because he needed to know but then he started accusing me and putting words in my mouth and said that's what I wanted right, to chase them out? He added "Why did you chase them out and then still have time to watch TV and eat?"

Incredible.

I can't take it anymore.

My God, why can't I eat at home after 16 hours at work and no dinner? And why can't I eat while watching TV? I just wanted to look at something visual instead of staring into space while eating. Half an hour of TV with food before sleep. Would it kill anyone?

I swore I was gonna hit the sack right after. It wasn't like I was gonna stay up the whole night. This was the only time available between two 16 hour shifts!

I had entertained dreams of becoming a politician but after this incident, I realized how bad I am at defending myself with verbally. I think I shall just volunteer myself behind the scenes.

I suck. I've got things under my thumb at work but my own house isn't in order.

It's simply amazing. I know Jelte meant well. He really thought I was being an ass but it's like now I feel very, very easily misunderstood. People are ganging up against me and finding fault with everything I do. I could just sit down and be quiet and even that would be wrong.

There's only so much I can take God. Please spare me. One thing at a time please. Have mercy. Losing friends and colleagues is one thing but members of the family...?

I don't think I will sleep tonight. I might cab it down to work right after this or wait till the first train. Don't wanna be late for work. I'll decide after my next cigarette.