Let's play Part 2b

Ok, for six days I have been at war with the malware in my computer. I've been told that $60 should be enough to hire someone to remove these buggers but my laptop is old. I give it less than six months to live so if possible, I don't wanna spend any money on this thing.

So as stated in my Let's play Parts 1 and 2 entries, I have installed more than 20 anti-malware applications to combat these evil doers and I've personally tested them all.

They're still there, but very much suppressed.

So if you're facing the same problems in future, take note of what I'm typing after this.

I've narrowed down by half the number of anti-malware applications on my computer. These are those that works against the extremely powerful malware on my computer and my descriptions in English in its lowest common denominator is as follows.

1) Sunbelt Kerio Firewall
- Before anything, you gotta install this one first. It makes sure whatever application that intends to start on your computer, has your permission first before it starts. Even those which self-install.

I've had Zonealarm Pro as well as AVG firewalls before, which are already very good, but Kerio outdoes them all. Together, they're the 1-2-3 of free to use firewalls. Only one firewall is recommended per computer, otherwise both you and your computer would be confused.

If I had this in the beginning, I wouldn't have had to type out this damn entry.

2) Sunbelt CounterSpy
- Another great free to use product by Sunbelt. Just install. It will update itself automatically everytime you start your computer and crushes every bad stuff it detects like a cockroach as you happily use your computer without you noticing.

If need be, you can even run it to scan your computer for spyware anytime you wish. Very powerful.

3) AntiVir PersonalEdition Classic
- It's damn annoying. Everytime it detects bad stuff in your computer, it'd prompt you and sometimes that happens like a few million times in a row. The bad thing is you need to physically be there to click on the option to "Deny access" to the bad stuff as it doesn't automatically do it for you.

The good thing is that it means that it works. Just remember to deactivate this application whenever you're running the other applications listed out in here because it does get in the way.

4) Spybot Search and Destroy
- It automatically deletes bad stuff from your computer. Just turn it on and go have coffee for 15 minutes. Come back and follow what it says on your computer. Just do it. Don't worry, your computer won't explode.

5) Ad-Aware SE Personal
- It does the same thing as No 4. You run this thing AFTER you run No 4 ok because this thing is more powerful. It destroys anything that No 4 missed out. Don't be stupid and ask "Why couldn't I just run this thing alone in the first place?" Because it just doesn't work that way ok!

6) a-squared StartCenter
- It scans your computer for malware infections and removes them. There are some bad stuff it detects but cannot remove. Simple. Just take note of the EXACT name of those bad stuff on a piece of paper.

Then go to "My Computer" to search for them and then remove them manually. Sometimes the bad people who come up with these bad stuff think they're clever so they make it a little more difficult for other good applications to remove them automatically.

There are instances whereby some of the stuff it detects but cannot remove are harmless AND actually important to make your computer run normally so if you're not sure whether to delete or not, DON'T. Send me an email.

7) HijackThis
- This stuff is powerful. It lists out everything in your computer so you can nitpick which ones are harmful and needs to be manually deleted. As in No 6, if you're not sure whether to delete or not, DON'T. Send me an email.

8) Kill2Me
- Look2Me is a malware that causes your computer to have irritating pop ups every one minute prompting you that "Your computer is infected. Please click here to find out ways to remove them" in order to direct you to their website so you'd buy their stuff.

Kill2Me kills Look2Me. Just follow what it says. Your computer's desktop will disappear for a few seconds but that's normal for this application to work. It'd come back. No, really. If it doesn't, I owe you a lap dance.

9) Ccleaner
- What it does is to automatically make more space in your computer. Just click on the button that says "Scan", and shut up. There is also an option to add/remove applications just like the one in your control panel. If the sentence before this one is too hard to understand, pretend you didn't read it.

10) CWS Shredder
- CWS refers to this animal called "Cool Web Search" and it lurks around in your computer without you knowing. "OooOoOOOoh, scary". But don't fret, just shred.

11) Avast Cleaner
- It's Vitagen for your computer. It kills worms. Just don't literally drink it.

Ok I'm done. Three more things to note.

Firstly, only run ONE application at a time.

Secondly, please don't forget to clean up your computer the old fashioned way too every once a week.

a) Go to Control Panel
b) Click on "Performance and Maintenance"
c) Select the "Free up space on your hard disk" and let it do its thing for a few minutes
d) Once done, click on "Rearrange items on your hard disk to make programs run faster" and select "Defragmentize". DO NOT do other things on your computer. Let it run its course and follow what it says afterwards.

Thirdly, if you couldn't be bothered installing ALL these applications, just do Nos 1-8.

If you have problems, The Calamity Man is here to save you at a special promotional rate* of $17.95 per hour during this Great Singapore Sale.

* "Special services" rates are not subject to this promotion.